It’s my birthday. I’m officially 31. I love it. I act like i want to be 21 or jailbait forever but honestly I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the most sure of myself I’ve ever been. I have an amazing husband and I love him so much and I have a baby girl and she is the center of my life. I’m so grateful to be a mom to Aurora and a wife to a John and get to live the lifestyle I do.
When I was in my 20s, I was always so impressed with my friends in their 30s. They always seemed so self-aware, confident and decisive.
Now I get it. I know myself better. I don’t feel like I’m flailing around in the universe just surviving and people-pleasing because I didn’t know any different. I was hardworking and kind and empathic in my 20s. To a fault.
Now I work hard and I also know the value of my work.
Now I’m kind and I’m kind to myself first.
Now I’m empathic and learn to curate what emotions I routinely surround myself with.
I don’t feel super confident in my appearance right now because my wardrobe needs a make over and my body has totally changed since pregnancy. I still look good and I’m relatively pretty thin even, I’m aware of this-I just don’t feel like my wardrobe and I have been able to shift from punky skanky slut to slightly curvy milf fast enough for some people’s liking.
And I also don’t care. I’m transitioning mentally in the time I need and I’m also transitioning my closet on my own timeline.
I’m surrounded by people that I love and that love me back. I’ve prioritized the people that I resonate with and that respect my boundaries. I’m excited to be consciously creating my life and grateful for what I’ve created so far. I know my interests and what’s really important to me. I know that I don’t owe anyone anything, including explanations.
I can say no without writing a book justifying my answer. I can say “thank you” for help instead of “I’m sorry” for my unrealistic expectations I think that people have for/of me. I know what works if I’m mentally feeling low. I know the importance of gratitude and I’ve reconnected/strengthened my relationship with God. I’ve said “no” to things without a “yes” lined up elsewhere and it’s working out swimmingly because FAITH.
I’ve reconnected with some old friends and let go of some others that weren’t serving me. I’ve faded back from some long-distance friends and know that we’ll pick up where we left off when the time is right. I’ve been taught/learned to trust my intuition (especially in motherhood) and I don’t gaslight or belittle myself anymore.
Just a few years ago I found myself hospitalized for depression. I was smoking hot (still am) but that was about all I had going for me. I was bouncing from job to job, being taken advantage of, I totally let BS people said about me get in my head, I allowed people to invalidate my emotions and experiences, I buried a substantial amount of grief, and worked myself into (almost) my grave trying to fulfill vocalized unrealistic expectations for me.
I’m so happy that I’ve found a way to respect, love and cherish all the parts of myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually-as an individual, an artist, a woman, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an image of God.
This year I’m looking forward to taking more time for myself. Writing more. Reading more. Leaning on faith instead of anxiety. Communicating clearly. Asking for help. Owning my wins as well as my mistakes. Building my new wardrobe. Educating myself in my interests. Pivoting my job/career choices. Attending a couple VERY exciting weddings. Doing exactly what I want to do and being exactly who I am!
Cheers to 31 babbbaayyy!!!